i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
