Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
