Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
