How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
