I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
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