That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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