I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
