I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
