It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
