There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
