Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
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