So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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