News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
