defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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