dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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