I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize