got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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