Duck Duck Cougar?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
