You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need to calm my uterus...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
