I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
