Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
