Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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