My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
