girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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