he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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