So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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