i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
