they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
