Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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