He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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