Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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