I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
