Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
