i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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