Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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