i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
