Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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