Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
