Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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