I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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