Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
