I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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