During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
