Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
