hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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