He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
