I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she looked like the before picture.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
