paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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