note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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