just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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