ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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