so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
