The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
