I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
