rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
