Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
