the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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